Nervous.

After all of the time being his friend and confidante, he decided to add lover to the list. Leaning in to kiss me, I could feel his nerves, hear his heart beat faster, and in the kiss that had been nearly two years coming, I felt the greatest passion I have ever known.

Laying down that night, he placed his head on my chest and I ran my fingers through his long, curly hair.

Looking up at me, he whispered, "I care so much for you."

"I know, baby."

He sighed and I felt that he knew I left something unsaid.

----

I woke up and he lifted his head. Smiling at me, he kissed my naked shoulder.

Smiling back, "Good morning."

This was our routine. I stayed with him and we'd play couple. It may have been unorthodox, but it was ours. Coming to see him, I could never stop smiling. He squeezed, his arms wrapped around my body tight. I loved how much he needed me when ever I was there.

Key phrase - when ever I was there.

A week of this and I'd go home, forgotten for months until we needed the comfort of the other again.

But I still couldn't stop smiling. I loved our time together, no matter the circumstances. I'd take what I could get and had no problem accepting it for what it was. I could live with being a crutch for him.

For now, at least.

----

"I'm writing a song."

"Oh, yeah? What's it about?"

"It's about wanting a girl back."

I had always known he wanted her to be with him again. I'd known for months. I couldn't be upset. I was only temporary and I'd known that all along.

I wanted to tell him, but I knew it wouldn't change anything. He could never love me the way he loved her.

----

Discontent: a state of being unsatisfied.

It was three years coming. I had never been completely satisfied with the way things were. Not that anyone knew the difference. I could only talk of how great things were and how this time things were different. Love is funny like that, I suppose.

We were sitting in his car and a light turned red. He looked into my eyes and I knew this time really was different.

"Why so silent?"

"You used to sing to me."

"What?"

"You used to sing to me. Remember? You'd drive me back home and sing me sad love songs while you held my hand. And when we were stopped at a red light, you would lean over, expecting me to kiss you. Our time together used to mean something."

The light turned green and he used it as an opportunity to release my hand. Eyes on the road, we drove home in silence.

He pulled his car into my driveway and turned it off. He stared straight ahead, toward the sun that was already setting, at a loss for words.

I sighed and took the reins.

"I can't keep pretending. I'm sorry."

He looked at me and in the first time since we'd met, I couldn't read his expression. His eyes dug into mine, as if looking for an answer or a change of heart. And for the first time since we'd met, I couldn't give him what he wanted.

----

"Hey, you should come watch this!"

"Watch what?" I didn't have the time or the engery to watch some silly video on youtube.

"Just come watch it. You'll thank me later."

My friend rose from her seat and left the room. Sitting down, a glance at the screen resulted in a double take. There was displayed a face I hadn't seen in months, though it felt like years. I hesitated, nervous. Closing my eyes, I hit play.

"Hey, guys. This is my first new song in a while. It...it's for someone who will always mean the world to me. She knows who she is and...I hope she knows that she might not have said it, but I always felt it. And that will always have been enough."

“Think of it this way - You make a piece of toast. You bite into the top and realize the edges are burnt. You like your toast chewy, so figuring you’d save the best for last, you start to eat all of the edges. You get to the bottom and some how, it isn’t burnt and its edge is the best tasting toast you’ve ever had. This gives you hope for the middle of the toast, since you figure it has to be better than what you thought would be burnt to a crisp. You bite in and it’s the most burnt part of the toast.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Sometimes there isn’t something better out there.”

I stood, looking out across the universe, and in that second, the treetops sang to me.

There's this moment when you throw everything in your life away, when there is nothing left for you in the world, that you reach a point of absolute and total clarity. For me, it happened here, standing atop these frozen hills, looking out onto what seemed like the entire world, small enough for me to hold in the palm of my hand, but too huge for my mind to conceive.

He had died that morning at 8:47.

The wind kissed my cheeks, whistling its love song in my ear, softer and sweeter than any sound I had ever heard. I looked out into the chilly afternoon and I laughed.

I would lose everything today.

He had been the only thing I'd ever loved. He was beautiful, more beautiful than the pink and blue hues of the western sky that had been measuring my life. How long had I been there? Days? He had only died this morning, but it felt like a lifetime.

Soon they would be coming for me. They'd want to take me back. Back to the white walls, the single window, and those shiny white sheets. The place where everything was reflective, but nothing sparkled. Not like out here, in the open, where there were colors and sounds and life.

I reached out and I swore I touched the sky.

I asked them once for blue walls. And a green carpet.

“Why would you want that?”

I want to feel like I'm alive.

“Those colors wouldn't work together. Don't you know that? And besides that, it's against the rules.”

I like the colors, I said. And he was against the rules, too. But I could have him all I wanted, right?

She gave me a sad, apologetic smile and she finished laying down the crisp, white sheets. I liked her. She always gave me an extra pillow and talked to me, even though interaction was supposed to be limited. They said it was for my own good.

“I'll see what I can do about maybe getting you some curtains.”

I wonder if she would get those curtains now that I was gone. I hoped they were purple, like the sky at dusk. It'd be such a pretty color for that lonely room.

Lonely. It'll be even more so now. I'd lost the room, too. I lost my love, I lost my home, I'd lost my friend. Or at least I would soon.

I heard the hills calling my name in her voice. His voice. Her voice. The words swirled around me and I laughed back at them. I spun with them, dancing in a whirlwind of beautiful sound. And he was next to me, spinning, laughing, holding tight onto my wrists as the melody enveloped us.

“Jess? What are you doing?”

Pausing to look behind me, I saw the nice lady from the ward.

“I'm dancing! Don't you see him? He's back, he didn't die! Everything is fine again. We can be happy. And now we can get the green carpet and blue walls!”

He spun me into his arms and we danced closer to the edge.

“Jess, if you come back with me, we can get you whatever carpet you want. Just come back, please.”

I laughed. She was being so silly. Of course I wasn't coming back. He was here. Why would I go back?

“Jess, please.”

Why? He's here, he's back! Everything is okay!

“No, he's not. Jess, he died years ago. Please, come back with me. We just want to help you.”

Silly. She's just so silly.

Dancing, spinning, whirling in a mix of color and sounds. Staring into his face, he smiles beautifully.

“I love you,” he whispers above my face.

I know you do. I love you, too.

“Jess?”

I would lose everything today. I didn't question when he jumped off the edge, still clutching my wrist. And in that moment, the mountains sang to me.

It's not like I drink to forget. It's just that when I drink, I do forget.

And it's not like I drink to get wasted. I drink for the energy – the raw intensity in the bringing out of true emotion in the most stoic of human beings.

I use photography to help me remember the energy, to capture these glimpses of reality. If I can't remember on my own, I sure want proof that it happened. A graphic reminder that we're all human and that maybe that isn't so bad after all.

 

It's not like I drink all the time. There aren't these huge gaps in my life that I can't remember because I was too drunk. I'm a perfectly functioning human male, thank you very much.

I just like to drink.

The photos help me remember. Not that I remember taking them. But so what if I have to rely on pictures to put pieces of my life together? Don't judge me.

 

I think I knew this night was different.

She was sitting in the corner, her head rolling slowly, synchronized with the rhythm of music playing softly in the background. I had been watching her out of the corner of my eye for some time. I had this urge to touch her, to see if she were real. I wanted to capture her essence, her complete disregard for everything except being content right now, if only for the moment.

I was only a little bit drunk.

When she closed her eyes and started humming, I felt my skin melt off my body. She was beautiful, the sounds were beautiful, everything was beautiful.

She opened her eyes and caught my own. Busted. I'd be staring in awe, unaware that I was doing it. I looked away in shame. I cast a quick peek back and she gave me a knowing glance. All was forgiven in her half-moon smile.

She laughed and turned her head up toward the ceiling. God, she was beautiful. More than anything, I wanted her. But more than that even, I wanted to be her.

I took a sip of my drink and she rose from the couch, sitting again in the seat next to my own. I could feel my heart beating faster from her presence. Or maybe that was the rum. She kissed my cheek with the lightest touch from her pale pink lips. When she pulled away, she was laughing, the sound echoing in my ears.

Did I mention how lovely the world was?

Everything about her enthralled me. Eyes closed, she remained at my side, slipping in a drunken coma. In a moment, it all would be gone.

Acting quickly, I reach for my camera. Snap. The smile fades from her face, forever copied in a still-frame.

 

In the morning, I won't remember her. I'll have forgotten how my heart leaped at her laughter. Her name, her story, her voice will all be lost on me. I won't remember how sweetly she kissed me goodnight or the knowing stares we shared throughout the evening.

But in the days to follow, I will see that picture. And maybe then, I'll remember.

“I've been having these dreams lately.”

“What kind of dreams?”

I paused. I wasn't sure if I should say the rest or not. They were just dreams after all. My imagination, not reality.

“I'm drowning. That's it. I'm drowning and then I wake up.”

I looked above me. The sun was shining through his auburn locks. I remembered how they used to fall across my face, back when we didn't have a care in the world. Before the boyfriends, the girlfriends. Before school was more stress than socializing. Before the lines of imagination and reality weren't blurred.

Before the accident.

But that didn't matter. Reality, we were back at the river now, almost as if none of that had ever happened. Almost.

He stood up suddenly. Imagining, he smiled down at me.

“I say just forget them. They're just dreams, right? Really, what could they mean?”

“What about Erin?” I whispered.

He stopped, dead in his tracks.

“That was an accident. You know it as well as I do. We were too young to have done anything to stop it. We can't blame ourselves for her drowning.” He stared at me awhile, as if expecting reassurance. “Come on. Can't we just forget about it? I thought we came here to escape all of that.”

Reality, he was right. He pulled me to my feet and took off in a dead sprint.

“Catch me if you can!” He laughed over his shoulder.

I chased after him, forgetting our entire conversation. He doubled back, unexpectedly, and caught me by the waist. He spun me around, close, too close, to the riverbank. He released me and I was drifting, drifting...

Drowning.

I crashed into the water, unaware. I was still spinning. The current pulled me further and further away and I saw nothing. I kept spinning. Losing oxygen, unaware. Still spinning.

Imagining, all I could see in the the turning waters was his arms reaching out to catch me and spin me again, as carefree as we used to be.

Reality, I was dying. And his arms were spinning me, pulling me back toward shore. Me, his only care in the world.

Imagining, oxygen filled my lungs, but only my head was left spinning. His hair across my face, dripping. His heavy breath falling against my ears.

“So much for just dreams.” I sighed heavily.

 

Reality. Nothing but black.

"Do you believe in fate?"
I ignore the question, averting my eyes from his almond stare.
"...well?"
I sigh, turning the words over in my mind before I speak.
"That's the worst kind of trick question."
He hand on my cheek begs of me - "Explain."
"If I say yes, then you'll ask if I think fate is what brought us together. If I say no, then you'll ask how I'm sure we're supposed to be together. And the truth is, I can't answer ether question. I'm just....uncertain. Why worry about the future when you're here in the present?"
He laughs and it's a thousand bells raining over me.
"That's the worst kind of pessimism."
A repeated sigh of defeat.
"What about you then, Mr. Optimism?" Do you believe in fate?"
That twinkle laughter again and he shakes his hair in waves above me.
"I believe in the uncertain."

 

I hadn't talked to him in nearly a year and it had been even longer since we'd seen each other. But there I stood in the rain, waiting for his car to pull up.

I opened the door and climbed in behind the stranger. They were friends. The stranger drove and the car was silent. The other let his hand rest on my knee. I didn't like it, but I didn't say anything. The car was silent.

We pulled in behind a dark building and the stranger turned the engine off. The front doors opened simultaneously and my door followed suit.

We walked in the rain toward the only doorway that was lit. He pushed the door and it easily fell back under his touch. The boys took the stairs two and three at a time. I fell behind, hesitant of the world I was about to enter.

A girl stood at the counter, a plate of jello under her chin and a spoon in her hand. An older man walked out and stood behind the counter. There was a video camera behind his head. My stomach lurched with uneasiness.

A red plastic cup appeared in front of me. It looked like a stereotypical party cup - like the ones you see in bad teen movies when everyone is at a party with a red plastic cup in hand. I took it. It was filled to the rim with bright red jello. I took the biggest gulp I could. It burned and the after-taste was awful. I kept drinking.

Everyone was laughing. I was laughing, even though I didn't know anyone there. At some point the camera was put away and everything got hazy.

My body was tingling. I had the urge to keep talking. More of an impulse, really. I could hear the words in my head, but they weren't the words coming out of my mouth.

There were more people here now. My cup was replaced with a smaller one. A shot glass? No, it was more like a sauce cup. Like the ones you get pizza sauce in at restaurants. I had a few more shots. As I pushed away the burning, I looked over at the others. He was slutting himself around. I took another shot.

My cup kept getting refilled and I kept drinking. I didn't even feeling the burning anymore.

The slutty girls were gone. He was standing next to me now. I took a final shot with his arm around my waist, then collapsed on the over-sized air mattress that had appeared next to the couch and was to be our bed for the night. He fell down beside me. The world went black.

I woke up and the first thing I noticed was the tingling. It hadn't left. The second thing I noticed was that I was freezing. There was a small blanket draped over me and him. It didn't cover either of us.

He was awake, too. He reached under the blanket and around me. His fingers traced my over my hips and the top of my pajamas. He went further. He moved his fingers back and forth. I hated where his hands were, but I couldn't do anything. He kept going. Back and forth. I thought of going to take my medicine as a distraction, but I'd have to take it and alcohol and medicine don't mix. I was frozen. I tried not to think about his motions.

Bells were ringing far away. I could hear the stranger grunting softly. The other froze. I started shaking. I was so cold.

He finished his movements when he was sure the stranger was asleep. He passed out with his arm around me.

I stared at the digital display on the stove until the numbers started to swirl and make shapes. My head was reeling. I was so cold. The green lights spun in rapid circles and the world was black.

I clutched your wrists as we held our last kiss. Tonight I won't allow us the sweetest of goodbyes. Because, see, I've waited a lifetime to call you mine. And right now all that matters is that this feels right. So cross my heart and close your eyes and beg of me "just one more night."
You used to call this a fairytale; I guess it's too simple of a book. We're what's made for children's dreams, but that isn't right for what we've seen. I gave up hope of a prince in waiting, even after the dragons of my soul you've slain.
And this just in, you can't bury my sins, so now I'm left wondering where to go. Because right now, my hand is wrapped in yours, asking for direction and only receiving cold. You cross your heart, I closed my eyes, begging, pleading - we're out of time.